The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
Randomize
