She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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