I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
