I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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