Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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