highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
