I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
