I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Welp...herpes.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Randomize
