you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
