for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
