Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
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