i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
