So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Randomize
