bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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