The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Michael Bay diarrhea
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
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