Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
