saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
