he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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