my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's never too late to be topless.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
