i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
