It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
