Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
