Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
