I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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