what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
