have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
She told me I should be a condom model.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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