im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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