Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Mom said you looked used
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
its liver damage thursday
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
