Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Randomize
