my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
