Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
