i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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