A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
