Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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