Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
