Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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