Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
dude they were twins that means they were both only 17
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
don't judge my taste in strippers
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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