I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
