I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
