ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Randomize
