Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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