i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
