It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
