On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
