White coat. Heels.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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