Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
