Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
