Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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