I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
The beer is more important than you right now.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
