Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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