Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
