Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
