bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
