Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
it was like eating out sand paper
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
We have started to decorate penises.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
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